Hell, and God, and Nuns with Rulers

Hell and God and Nuns with Rulers full cover 2

TOP INDIE BOOK of 2015 – Britbear Books

5 Stars – In Tristan, Collings has created a character with which many teens will identify (indeed, most adults as well). Regardless of the religion in question, most of us struggle for a balance between the pious and the secular, and the ability to live our lives whilst pleasing both our parents and ourselves. And while many of us don’t grapple with the same potentially life-altering, game-changing issues as Tristan, we grapple with the issues nevertheless. That Tristan holds on and refuses to give up who he is to the pressure of others makes him not only memorable, but inspirational. – Britbear Books

5 Stars –  I was immediately blown away by the intelligent, almost satirical nature of Collings’ writing, which was straight-forward and authentic to the age and acrimony of a teenage boy. Tristan has a distinct tone—a real voice—and it is instantly potent. – Please Pass the Book

A witty suburban coming-of-age storyRedNoise

(Throughout the course of the novel, the main character, Tristan Adamson, has to write a series of essays for his Literature and Composition class. They don’t always go as well as he hopes. This particular essay he wrote gives the story its title.)

Hell, and God, and Nuns with Rulers

Some people would say that Jewish parents have cornered the market on guilt. This noble race knows better than any other type of parent how to make their children feel uncomfortable at any given moment. They can use the fires of Hell and the pains of their past to make their children feel bad when they complain about the scratchy pants they received for Hanukkah. Even though they might have pretty effective skills when dishing out guilt, the Catholics have made strong inroads with this ability. In fact, the parents of Catholic children have made so much progress in this area of expertise that they now hold the title for the best guilt trippers on the planet.

Just like the Jewish people, the Catholic parents have the fear of Hell on their side and they know how to use it. They instill it in their children at a very early age. From the moment their child can enjoy stories, these parents pull out their big old picture book of Bible stories. These books tell wonderful stories about animals going into an ark two by two, or how three wise men showed up at the birth of some random kid to give him gifts of precious metals and smelly stuff. But other stories involve what a young person’s life will be like if they are condemned to Hell. Red painted men with horns and long tails walk around with pitchforks forcing people to take leaps into big old pits of fire. Parents force their children to look at pictures of the anguished faces of people burning for all eternity while Lucifer dances behind with glee. Catholic parents will point at these pictures and tell their children, “Look what happens if you don’t brush your teeth at night.” On a side note, Catholics generally have very happy dentists.

If Catholic parents can’t scare their kids by using the devil, they can always use God. We should all fear God; at least this is what they tell children at a very early age. God will not be undone by a mere human. If He thinks someone is showing Him up in any manner, He will use His might and power to smite that person. Many Bible stories confirm this. Children’s Bibles even furnish pictures to better illustrate these messages. God threw Adam and Eve out of Eden. After Noah got on the ark, God flooded the earth. The picture in the Bible depicted men drowning as Noah sails by with a smile on his face and a cute cat in the crook of his arm. Imagine being five years old and seeing a picture of a man wearing a toga and yielding a sharp knife to stab his son, or the picture of the Hell on Earth that God created while he destroyed Sodom. These frightening pictures, combined with terrifying stories, can even help Catholic parents guilt their children into being potty-trained.

Finally, Catholic parents having something that would make the Holocaust look tame. They have nuns with rulers. There is nothing scarier on this God-given Earth than a nun with a ruler. Just one of these formidable beasts will stare down an army of highly trained super ninjas. With one crack of that ruler, it will cause those ninjas to wet their pants (they don’t have many Catholics in Japan) and run away like Shaggy and Scooby Doo being chased by some imaginary ghost. The only problem with being a Catholic child is that when faced with this dilemma, they can neither pee their pants (see earlier argument) nor run away. They must face the nun and whatever terror she may inflict upon the knuckles of said victim. Many Catholic boys and girls wake up with their knuckles aching, and they don’t even know why.

So it is obvious that even though all parents know how to use guilt trips to their advantage, no parent knows how to use them better than Catholic parents. They have many more tools at their disposal, such as: Hell, and God, and nuns with rulers. Just feel lucky you don’t have Catholics for parents.

# # #

This time Mrs. Baker went backward down the list as she talked to each student about their essays. I followed Stephen Bluestein. She started off by pointing out her pride at the fact that I could use a semicolon correctly. I guess this would mean a lot to me if I knew what a semicolon was. She then went on to explain her dissatisfaction with the fact that I couldn’t stick to the prompt. My voice and subject matter interested her but she couldn’t understand how it had anything to do with the relationship between Macbeth and Lady Macbeth. She would even accept my consistently writing the five-paragraph essay if only I could stay on topic. Maybe I could stay on topic if I actually sat down and read Macbeth, but I just can’t get into Shakespeare.

She handed back my paper with a big red letter F on it. She went on to explain that she might’ve found it in her heart to give me a D if I hadn’t dismissed the Holocaust as being less terrifying than a nun with a ruler. Apparently, they never taught a theology class at the public high school she attended. She is definitely not making any brownie points. I can’t move her to the list of teachers that I like. But considering the fact that only my first grade teacher, Mrs. Flarrety, has made the list, I doubt Mrs. Baker would really care.

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